alone_isolated

so I was going to write this as a voice post...so I guess that wouldn't be writing would it? lol. But I am am just not in the mood to rant out loud.

I am being nostalgic lately. For the past four months actually, I have had the weekends off but have done nothing with them. I sit in my living room with my boyfriend and watch movies or watch movies and watch him play war craft. I miss my friends. I miss the random adventures I used to have. I look at my roommates and I see a couple that works. A relationship that may not be perfect but the only problems are the annoying manerisms of roommates. Its wrong that I envy that when I have a boyfriend who I love. The problem is my relationship is one of the most unhealthy ones I have ever been in. Granted Ryan was far worse...but thats another story.

See I sit here and love being with Jordan. Just cuddling on the couch watching movies. But when it comes to socializing and everything else I can't do it with him. I have tried and all he does is basically sit back and says nothing unless its to Joe. Thats because Joe is the first guy to ever say no to him when Jordan desperately tried to get into Joe's pants. But see if he is not with me at a party but with my friends he has no problem socializing.

I am a quiet person by nurture (not nature, things with my father forced me to become quiet and reserved). But when it comes to Jordan I can't really talk all that much. He kinda gets this look of "yeah thats nice but I really have no idea what you said." Or when it comes to our relationship if I try to talk to him about it he tells me what he thinks I want to hear and not the truth. I know he is lying because I am the BEST liar I know. But if I ask him something and he lies what am I suppose to do. See in my head I think if it was a big deal he would tell me the truth. Or that I am just making something out of nothing. I don't know.

You know what the truth is...I am worried. I am worried about what is going to happen when he goes off to the navy. whats going to happen to us? Yeah sure he will be back in 8 weeks, for ten days. Then he goes off to medical training for over a year. Then the gods only know where he is going to be shipped next. So 14 months of not seeing him...maybe a few times when I have money to fly out there...but its not like we could do anything boyfriendish. So where does that leave us?

Current Mood: depressed

I sit here and wonder how people in this world can actually be happy. Then I think about all the happy times I have ever had and know its because of good friends. people are happy because of the other people they surround themselves with. Knowing this I look at my friends. I know I could never find any one in this world as great as ALL my friends are.

Monday I ran in Cathline and Racheal at The Crypt. (Porn shop down town). Some friends from Greeley and I were hanging out and decided to stop there, well we ran into a friend that went to college with us first semester then I turn around and Racheal is staring at me...that then Cathline is there. We spent about half an hour talking and I felt really good.Then when we all left (Me and Greeley kids) I was still more or less happy. Then about 12ish we were at a park and I got morbidly depressed. Now who could blame me with my life the way it is right now. (For the record I still haven't coped with anything) but I was out with great people who I know care deeply about me, but I still got depressed. And I have been since then. I just don't know what to do any more. I try and get happy and things turn to shit. Then I deal with things being shit...then it hits the fan. Then I deal with that...and it feels like the floor decides to no longer hold and gives out and I mess up the apartment underneath me. So what it feels like is my life is shit and I have no place to live. I am not homeless, I am just feeling like no matter what I do things are not meant to get any better. Things are just going to get worse until I am old and feeble and fall down a flight of stairs or something.

So....the story goes...smokers get bored. And when Bryan has to prove its not cold...he will. So this girl...can't remember her name...was cold so I gave her my jacket and she saw that i was in a short sleeve shirt. So she kept asking if I was cold. I told her no. I had to take my shirt off to prove it wasn't cold. Then she decided to take a pic. No biggy. Then Dillion (sp) wanted in on it...and OMG he is hot when he has his shirt off....drool. so we took our shirts off and slung our jackets over our shoulders and hip thrust and again...drool. But all we had was a camera phone. So this girl who has my jacket decided that we needed to take real pics. So we went in and did.....

Current Location: my dorm
Current Mood: content
Current Music: none...meik is sleeping shhhh

Ok...so I read an article in Details the other day and then tonight I posted a response to that article. The article title was: "Is Straight the New Square?" and here is my response:

Straight is not the new square. Being gay is not a fad. The fact of the matter is that straight guys have to appear the opposite of gay guys to reaffirm their masculinity. Gays are the predominate ones that are into fashion and sofisitication (sp). Now if a straight man decided to be really into fasion and such forth he would be considered gay. Doing so would ruin his reputation and make him seem less masculine. Therefore he denies that he is into fashion and pretends to be into football. Heterophobia is just another way of saying homophobia without appearing to be against gays. Gays are not against the heterolifestyle...well the majority aren't. And why? Because EVERY gay or straight person comes from that. Yes it takes a man and a woman to make a child. Therefore any one that is truely against the heterosexual lifestyle is a bigger idiot than those that are against the homosexula lifestyle. Its not a choice any one makes and nor is it a fad. And just because of homophobic people exist made it so gays stood out. Think back a couple decades and remember when being black was bad. And then look how careful people were about making comments after MLKJ. All the gays did is exactly what black people did. They took what they were given and made the best out of it, then made it better. And now that we have gays are looked upon as social ellites. Well here is another clue. Not all gays are like the ones you see in the movies or on tv. There are some gays that can easily be mistaken as straight just because of the way they act and dress and so on and so forth. So saying some one is gay or straight just by the way they dress or act is rediculous. And to say being straight is the new square insinuates that being gay is the new black or something. HELLO sexuality is NOT a fad. Thank you.

Current Location: my living room
Current Mood: complacent
Current Music: none

So I decided that tonight I need to talk about something. I am listening to the song "Dancing through life" from Wicked. And I thought that all my friends could use the advice to STOP FRETTING. This also goes to me. But I seriously look at all my friends (and trust me...they range all over the social spectrum) and we are all stressed. Work. Family. Life in general. And not to sound apethetic...why do we care? Why do we care about a life that is pointless. VERY FEW things that we (in our stage of life) do...in ten years won't matter. Who we date now wont affect who we date in ten years. And why care what people think? I mean why do we let people get underneath our skin to the point where we change to what they want and allow THEM to be happy even though it is nothing but a burden to us? Why do we play the part of happy when what we really want to do is scream? My myspace name is "We are screaming inside where we can't be heard" Yes it is from a song....but think. That is the most true statement of at least my life.

anyway I am done being dramatic. Night


         

So I am a bad person. I know I say this a lot and you all continue to tell me I am on crack or something...but this time I am. See I kinda have a crush on two of my friends (Gregg and Alex) well they are with each other. They make a good couple but they don't mesh as well as they thought. And its just little things...things that would bother me if it were my relationship. So I am sitting here thinking about when they are going to break up. And even worse...which one I would rather date. And it is an extensive list. grrr I just feel bad ya know?

And speaking of boyfriends....you know how hard it is to find a boyfriend? Its rediculous. I mean its not like I have time to be very social...but if I were...where would I find one? I don't know. I mean every gay guy I know seems to have NO trouble finding a boyfriend...but Bryan does. Every one I know says that I am this wonderful person....with faults...but I am human...but obviously it is something that people have to learn over time with me...cuz I can't find any one. I try...like with connexion or something but no one seems interested. And I try other ways too but most of those guys are too old and or just looking for a quick fuck...and I say FUCK NO to that shit. Hell Josh can find a boyfriend...and I can't.  Blah...I don't know I am just being petty I guess.  But I would like a boyfriend....and one that isn't a friend that would ruin our friendship thing ya know what I mean?

Oh and you know how being gay isn't supose to be contageious? Well its not...but I think the level of gay is...like I have been known as the straight gay by MOST people. But hanging out with Alex and Gregg...well...now I want flip flops....and other "gay" things...lol. I don't know...its odd. But I do blame them. Oh well...it was bound to happen.

You ever realize the power of music? You are sitting there feeling like shit, like you want to just crawl into a hole and be covered up by a rock. Then out of no where...this song come on. And by the end of it you feel happy. Feel like you want to take on the world and all problems you had before were stupid.  Yeah thats what happened me these past couple of days. No matter what I thought...or did nothing would make things seem ok. But then I was driving and Rent came on. Followed by Wicked...and life just seemed ok.  Music just makes life beautiful.  Thats all I have to say.

Not all of you will care about this...but those on my list that do...read and go. It is the photobucket for tonight. And yes it is sad and makes me want to cry...but it was worth over these past four years. I love you all, seniors and newbies (young ones may be a better term but you know what I mean).

http://s16.photobucket.com/albums/b40/onlybry/Drama%20Do%202006/?sc=1&multi=4&addtype=local&media=image

Bry

BRYAN'S FINAL SHOW. Come see it Tuesday May 16 2006 at 7 pm. It will cost you only $3 so look in the couch lol. 

Ralston Valley
13355 80th AVE
Arvada CO 80005

Blah. So I have hit the mile stone in all highschoolers life. I have gone to my senior prom. Ok so it wasn't MINE. Well it would have been if things didn't transpire the way they did...old news.

But it was fun. I felt really bad though cuz I was the only one used to walking around downtown. So where I parked was perfect...even close for my usual standards. Then dinner came. It was good. Every one loved their food. But then the check came and I was the only one that thought it was cheap for how big our party was. So I guess every one was happy we skipped appitizers.

Well Prom was in North Capital Hill (capital hill is THE gay part of denver). So as we were walking I was switching between Laura and Jordanna as my "dates" and I was still checking the cute gay guys out as they were me...funny no?

Prom itself was fun. I did have a good time. Hell I didn't even text Ryan every five seconds. I even danced...though I look like a moron when I do but I did. I did text Ryan...we talked for a while then the phones started to be stupid and not send texts so I got in a very bad mood....plus I needed a cig. It was the last hour of Prom and then I finally got a hold of him but I was still in a bad mood. I was in a bad mood until this morning when I was in and out of sleep until Ryan and I started talking. He called after we were texting. But I woke up to talkinig to him so I was happy. Now before you read this and think one thing...I am happy I went and I had a good time. I don't like dances enough to not have been in a bad mood the last hour. Last year I was the same way and I didn't even know Ryan back then and I was single. But it was really frustrating for EVERY ONE to repeatedly ask if I was ok. Obviously I was upset but if I wanted to talk about it I would have. BLAH

So I talked to dad today. Well the eight thousand something that I got for the parent loan I have to decline. So here I come student loans....grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: Perfect World~ Simple Plan

You know I sit here and think that despite all the teenage drama I deal with from every highschool I have contact with..my family creates more. My uncle called. Well apparently his ex wife was about to send my cousin Ivy up there for only God knows why...well she apparently doesn't want to go. I have no idea why. SO he told me and I quote "I am about done with both those little shits." Now what you must remember is that my uncle sucomes (sp) to the McVeigh family temper easier than any of us. So he might think better in a couple of hours. But then my sister calls and she is sitting here fretting about something stupid that I am not sure I care to find out.

But I started talking to Becky again (for those that don't know an old friend that I lost contact with for various reasons). And she asked how I was doing and I sat here...and over the past three years (since Becky and I stopped talking) anything that can happen in a family has...and its stupid. God just a few more months then I am done!!!! I can go to college and not be involved past a certain point.

On a better note I got money for college. Well 3900 is for me for free. But there is about 11100 in loans. 2600 is a loan in my name...the rest is under a parents loan. So not sure how that is going to work.

Blah. 32 days until I am out of Highschool!!!

Current Music: Dickens' Dublin~Loreena McKennitt

So today was messed up...on a grand scale. So first I start out the day no big deal. Then I find out that I have to go to Denver to finish a project that should have been done LAST WEEK WHEN I ASKED IF THERE WAS ANYTHING I NEEDED TO DO!!! But no. SO I roll my eyes. Fine what ever. The only problem is, I have no fucking idea what the hell I am supose to be doing. So I decide to BS it. So I ask my friend Killeigh (sp sorry if it is wrong!!) to go with me. She says sure. It was fun. Well I park down town and go SHIT. I forgot the Camera. Well that was esencial. I didn't have time to make a round trip and get Killeigh home so we decide to troll the 16th Street mall. I have been craving Cheesecake so I offer to buy Cheesecake Factory...so we go. We order...she gets an ice tea...I get an iced Mango. WEll Killeigh said that it was the GAYEST drink she had ever seen. And I had to agree with her. It was really good though. Then we order cheese cake and talk about random things that should not be disscussed there. Then I go to pay...they rejected my card. Well I was 10 dollars short of the bill in cash...so I call my aunt and she saves the day after ditching out of work early lol. SO I take Killeigh home and go to my house and call around to see if any one wants to go with me...well no one answers/can go. So I go alone and Ryan calls...making my day a million times better. But I didn't really get what I needed...I got like have of a quarter of what I needed...which would be an eighth of what I needed but oh well. I am going to go bitch to the teacher that there was no cooperation and if she decides that I get a bad grade...fine I will bitch about it and go redo the ENTIRE thing MYSELF.

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: I'm Just a Kid~Simple Plan

GROW A FUCKING BRAIN PEOPLE!!!! I am so sick of peoples stupidity. First you all don't know what the hell you are doing. I try to cordinate EVERYTHING but no one listens. Then I pretty much do half the work there on my own...with help from one person given certain times (wasn't always the same person). Then the damn project needs to be worked on and all you do is say I need those photos. Then get fucking pissed that I didn't do ANYTHING. I fucking offered to help. Then I try and get help to do what I can and no one fucking helps me. And its not just with school. I try to set something up...easy what ever. And I get the yeah sure what ever response. Well guess what people I AM DONE. I am done taking the shit. I am done being Mr. Nice Guy. I am just done. My happy mask that you all see...yeah well get over it.

Current Location: Comp room
Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: Drugged Out~ Fallout Boy

Ok so right now I am confused. I don't know. I am like really depressed for some reason. I have NO reason to be. Things are REALLY good. I am just sitting here all day and I am depressed and I don't know why. And for some reason I REALLY REALLY miss Ryan. Its not like anything has changed since lastnight or anything. We aren't fighting we are together and in a really good place right now. But today I have just been missing him terribly. I am not sure if that is because I am sitting doing nothing or what. But I have had days where I sat and did nothing and not been depressed because I miss him. But today I really am depressed and thats the only reason I can think of. And what sucks is I can't even get online with him because he is doing homework and watching Shane. Well I am not upset at that. He needs to do his work and needs to spend time with Shane so its just like BLAH. So I will probably go watch tv till he can get on which will be in about three hours because at six our time he is watching American Idol and that is two hours away and I don't know when he will be able to get on and I know I am whining but you could have stopped reading ages ago so it is your fault for still reading :P

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: Opening Night~ Producers

Ok so I am tired of EVERYTHING!! Ok. I am tired of people lying, tired of their drama, pretty much I am tired of highschool life. Life over all sucks right now. The only thing I have going for me at the moment is the fact that I know Ryan loves me and I love him. Yeah I was upset about the prom thing....and still kinda am, but thats because now I have to go through with my prom. But it will be over and done with soon enough so oh well. Why is it so fricken hard for people to be logical and have common sense?! God I go to school and I deal with things that take forever to do, but in reality should only take about five min if that. Then no one knows how to be organized and no one gives me information, no one bothers to talk to any one else in the damn group so we end up running around with our heads cut off! I really wish I could just curl up into a ball and let the rest of highschool just pass me by. But I can't so I should really stop whinning about it but I am told that I shouldn't let things sit in me and boil over. Hell I tell people that all the damn time. But then there are just things that I have to do that with because I don't know how to articulate them well enough to get my damn point across. Well then I have my grandmother sitting here telling me she wishes that I would just get angry and lose it or something. Then I ask why? she says "Because sometimes I think you have been hurt so badly that you just don't..." something or other. But then I told her "Yeah well I lose it and you get to see Uncle Jimmy pissed again" Because I can be a lot like my family when I get pissed....that means putting holes in walls. Yeah sure I hit walls but I only do it hard enough so that I feel the impact. Then she started to fucking joke about it and tell me she could get me a punching bag or a piece of wood to punch or something....but she doesn't get it. GAH. I was sitting there talking to some one today and I just got to thinking why do I care if I hurt people's feelings when they walk all over me? I know. Its because if I let them then I can stop worrying about whats plaguing me....put it on the burner and let it simmer so to say I don't know I am just TIRED!!!! God I have about 49 days all together until the last day of school. And only 33 of actual school...that is if I am not forgetting any days that we have off...but I don't know. GODDAMNIT

Current Location: My house
Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: I'm Still Here

So I have a confession to make. I am not ok. Ryan's Prom is coming up and I feel like shit about the whole thing. I want him to go because he should. The thing is....he should be going with me. Its not fucking fair. I hate it. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. Hell right now I have tears that I am fighting to hold in. I hate the fact that he is going because I can't be there. I want to hate Jess because that is who CAN go with him, and who is. But Thats stupid. Every time ANY one mentions prom I want to cry. I want to hide. I want to break something.

SO I had this idea. Maybe just maybe I could get a job and then fly him out here for my prom...but thats stupid. He wouldn't be able to come out here. His parents probably wouldn't allow it. This is stupid. I HATE IT I HATE IT!!!!!!!

You know lastnight I punched the wall four times before I cried myself to sleep? And to think...as a kid I kept saying that I would never go to prom because it was stupid. Well I have to be stupid to get worked up like this over it.

Ok. Now that I have told every one I am going to go hide in my bed....

Oh...I have decided. I am NOT going to prom unless I can take Ryan. Period. End.

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Last Present~Seret Garden

So today was rather interesting. I was going to the mall to read for a bit because I didn't feel like wasting the day sitting on my ass in my house. Well as I was leaving I got a text from Steph asking if I was busy today. But rather than text her back I called and we (Steph Kyra and I) made plans to meet up at the mills. We meet up and spend like an hour "eating" lunch. Then we started walking around. Steph and Kyra tried on Prom dresses. And as normal as it felt it was the weirdest thing. I have known Steph since 5th grade. And over the years niether of us saw us sitting in a retail store with her trying on dresses and me telling her what looks good as the typical gay guy/straight girl friendship. So she decided that she REALLY REALLY wants to go. Well she isn't sure if she will have a date. I told her that if she doesn't I will go with her. I think it would be great to go to Thornton's Prom. All my best friends up there that I have had from 5th grade and freshman year and everything....it would be fantastic. So if she doesn't have a date I will go with her. Kyra wants my help too because her prom is in three weeks and she has no idea how to be a girl. Sad I know. So I have to be her gay friend. Its sad that I have worked so hard not to be the cliche gay guy but I can be when my friends need it.

So then I come home because I had to babysit...but then they canceled which I was glad about. Though I could use the money but I baby sit three or four times in the next week so I will be good. And so I got home and I ate dinner and as I was walking to put my plate away the tranformer for my house blew out. Well I didn't want to sit in my house with no power so I went to the mall to read. So I finished the third book of the Rainbow Boys series. And I thought with the way it started out it wasn't going to be as good. But as I kept reading it addressed some things that have been secretly hiding in my head and heart. With Ryan moving out here in August and us never really being with each other I readlly do fear that there are so many things about each other that we don't know (that we don't even know about ourselves) that will lead us to push the other away. Well in the final book they talked about this. See the three boys went on a roadtrip together. Well the couple never really spent more than a few hours together. Now they were spending two weeks not being able to be apart for more than an hour or so because of the time constrant. And it seriously put a strain on their relationship. But then they met this couple on the road. (A gay couple) Well they were told the secret to the relationship lasting was Trust, Communication, and Commitment. And I know it is just a fictional book that really has little to do with my life but I have always read books to escape reality. So when I read these books I escaped but this time it was my reality. And so I read and in the end they were happy and together (well what story ends with a sad ending?) and Some how I knew that things would work out. Seeing it in print and then as I closed the book I was listening to my iPod and God Bless the Broken Road came on and things just seemed right. And I was happy. I really was.

Thanks Alicia

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Follow Me ~ Uncle Kracker

So tonight I went to choir rehersal with the community choir that we are doing a concert with. Well I have finally decided that I am EXTREMELY uncomforatable in churches. I just couldn't sit still. Then the MORMOMS were making sex jokes in the church which irratated me. Then we did back rubs. This guy freaked me out. He was doing the back rub but he wasn't putting any pressure or anything and just running his fingers all over my back, not in appropriatly otherwise I would have said something....but it still weirded me out.

SO this week is CSAP week, which means I go to school from 8-10 well I say fuck that. Grams is going to call me in wed and thurs cuz I don't want to go to 25 min periods. So it is senior ditch week with grams calling me in. Hurrah.

I borrowed a book from Alicia the other day, called Rainbow Boys. Well naturally as the titles insinuates its about gay guys. Only they aren't adults and it is clean. But its about three highschool boys who are gay and need to come out to the world and their parents. And it shows basically every side of coming out. It has to be the best book I have read in a long time. Now I need the second one....grrrr. I ended up reading till 4 this morning to finish it...shhh grams doesn't know.

I think that is it for now

Bry

Current Mood: complacent
Current Music: Beauty and the Beast~ Nightwish